Stuff

I went to bed very down on myself. Felt the breakdown of the friendship that happened between T & R (2 online friends) and I proved that I was capable of being a 'bad friend'. Of failing a friendship.

When I've thought of them recently I've felt guilt, shame, anger and resentment. So much rancorous resentment. Even at times in the not-so-distant past when I felt I was glad to hear from them - that anger lurked. Presumably they've felt similar things in regards to me.

Those are not the emotions of friendship.

T, R and I have now spent more time feeling ambivalent and negative things about each other than the time we spent feeling positive feelings, those few months we felt we were happy friends with some sort of collective future.

I think that is a telling detail.

So, I started wondering if maybe our collective mistake had been all of us clinging to that short 'golden age'.

Part of the reason for my endless upset over how that ended is that I fancied our relationship was what would provide me w ith companionship as I got older, as I see no guarantee I'll get my act together enough to have a more conventional family or companionship. So I figured a good strong friendship with people like them who seemed very compatible was the best I could hope f or and the way to go. Kind of a "Golden Girls' thing. So now I can see myself ending up permanently alone, and all due to my own lack of emotional control. While the other two, having become housemates and adapted to each other, now have that companionship, are no longer completely alone.

While I've ended up with nothing but this Goddamned 'life lesson'.

I got angry at life again. In the end, angry at myself for being, here, and for being as I saw it 'trapped' here by the connections I've made to others. Even if I dared 'leave', I'd feel too guilty due to those left behind who'd be hurt. Found myself very unhappy, saying over and over internally that I shouldn't have to hate myself. Was a bizarre mantra there for a bit. Not sure what's up with that, but no, I guess I shouldn't have to. Now how to un-do that. How to feel not trapped here, in some kind of a subtle Hell, tormented by my own lacks. Was a real pity-party, but that's how I felt. Is probably how I'll feel for some time.

Alot of the time lately, I hate myself.

Cheap but Good Eatin' - 1

Rice/Cheese Loaf
****************

3 eggs
2 cups milk
2 tablespoons melted butter
1.5 cups cooked rice
2 cups (8 oz. pkg) shredded cheese
1 cup soft bread crumbs
2 tablespoons chopped onion
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/8 teaspoon garlic powder

Just mix it all and dump it in a 1 quart dish that was coated with no-stick spray. Serves about 4.

Oven: 325 degrees F, 45 min.
'Wave: Low, 25 min.