Stuff

[kalibex]

I went to bed very down on myself. Felt the breakdown of the friendship that happened between T & R (2 online friends) and I proved that I was capable of being a 'bad friend'. Of failing a friendship.

When I've thought of them recently I've felt guilt, shame, anger and resentment. So much rancorous resentment. Even at times in the not-so-distant past when I felt I was glad to hear from them - that anger lurked. Presumably they've felt similar things in regards to me.

Those are not the emotions of friendship.

T, R and I have now spent more time feeling ambivalent and negative things about each other than the time we spent feeling positive feelings, those few months we felt we were happy friends with some sort of collective future.

I think that is a telling detail.

So, I started wondering if maybe our collective mistake had been all of us clinging to that short 'golden age'.

Part of the reason for my endless upset over how that ended is that I fancied our relationship was what would provide me w ith companionship as I got older, as I see no guarantee I'll get my act together enough to have a more conventional family or companionship. So I figured a good strong friendship with people like them who seemed very compatible was the best I could hope f or and the way to go. Kind of a "Golden Girls' thing. So now I can see myself ending up permanently alone, and all due to my own lack of emotional control. While the other two, having become housemates and adapted to each other, now have that companionship, are no longer completely alone.

While I've ended up with nothing but this Goddamned 'life lesson'.

I got angry at life again. In the end, angry at myself for being, here, and for being as I saw it 'trapped' here by the connections I've made to others. Even if I dared 'leave', I'd feel too guilty due to those left behind who'd be hurt. Found myself very unhappy, saying over and over internally that I shouldn't have to hate myself. Was a bizarre mantra there for a bit. Not sure what's up with that, but no, I guess I shouldn't have to. Now how to un-do that. How to feel not trapped here, in some kind of a subtle Hell, tormented by my own lacks. Was a real pity-party, but that's how I felt. Is probably how I'll feel for some time.

Alot of the time lately, I hate myself.

Comments

You'll never walk alone...

[audioboy.livejournal.com]

Yeah, so it's a cliché. Sue me. :)

Bex, I know you know, deep inside, that it's not about you being a bad friend. It's about the stress that T & R are under and their lashing out to put the blame on anyone but themselves. You're always telling me not to beat up on myself, so now I'm saying the same to you. You're not a bad person and you don't have any reason to hate yourself. You've got a good heart and a caring soul, but you can't fix everyone or be responsible for how everyone reacts to you.

You've never been unkind to me, even when I've done something stupid (just look at last week). You always speak the truth in your anger. You show your thoughtfulness by sending me articles that may pertain to my problems and you listen when I kvetch or have anykind of news. But I know I can't expect you will always be there for me. Just as I may not always be there for you. But I know we will both always *try* to do so. That's the most anyone can ask.

They've made their decision -- for now. Let them work it out. If they ask for your help, give it. Otherwise, let them be and take what they have to say to or about you with a grain of salt.

Hang in there, 'kay? :)

-/\/

/me bribes Janney into giving you numerous buffs about the calves and shins. :)

[drake57.livejournal.com]

I sure go through the "I hate myself" mode a lot..i'm getting older,i'm still alone (don't want to be alone) and i see this situation not changing at all....so i figure it has to be so i hate myself (oh yes i tried the i love myself thing and nothing at all changed in my life)
wish i could tell you how to feel better but i don't know how
i hate myself especially when i get jealous at my friends who have a loved one or are married or are about get married...it isn't f**king fair...but then that's life
i'm always here for you..for whatever purpose you might want

[(Anonymous)]

Bex -- surely a "Doctor Who" fan should remember that there is no Golden Age?

I'm not going to tell you that everything's going to be all right eventually, because we both know that's (a) bullshit which does nothing but make the person saying it feel as though they've actually contributed something, and (b) true anyway but irrelevant to the immediacy of the pain of the moment. What I am going to tell you is three things.

(i) Back in 1995 I spent ten months unemployed, ended up weighing 120 pounds, and seriously considered suicide for one of the very few times in my life.

(ii) I've seen a lot of interesting things in the past seven years.

(iii) I have no idea what's going to happen tomorrow.

When it comes down to it, that's all you need. Faith is overrated, dangerous and scary. But hope is wonderful. Hope is really what it's all about.

(iv) I'm glad you're still around.
(Four things. Fear, surprise, ruthless effi... I'll come in again.)

Cameron the Lemming (lemming@interlog.com)