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I once made the mistake of mentioning a particular alternative spiritual belief on a Texas-based msg. board that catered to a specific (also alternative) spiritual path. Got sneered at massively ('Are you on crack?') and almost laughed off the board for that. In a sense I was, because I refused to re-register when they put up a new board, though I still read it very occasionally.
It wasn't, I think, that I was scorned...as much as the way the most vocal scorner did it. It was one particular extremely contemptuous person. (Anyone who's been to that board will know to whom I'm referring. I also happen to know he inspired a particular online comic character.)
As recently as about a month ago when I went to see if there were any interesting posts...he referred in some post to my theory from way back in '01 (though not to me), lumping it along with other wacky beliefs for which he still had much contempt. Brought it all back to me.
I think...his arrogant-@ss attitude wouldn't have hurt as much if I were just trying to sound Knowledgeable and Important. Whether my belief from that time is 'true' or not...I wasn't just trying to sound Important. I meant well. Ultimately I meant well. I thought it was stuff the people on that board ought to be aware of.
That's what hurt.
But as he saw it, I was just an Idiot.
Of course, if I didn't doubt my own spiritual beliefs, and past perceptions, I probably wouldn't care, or care as much, what that guy had thought of me.
But then I also know - even if I had the absolute most stupid belief in the world - he didn't have to put it like he did.
And he didn't. He chose to pick words with the maximum chance of causing hurt.
He isn't some spiritual seeker following a 'dark path'... *rolls eyes*...
...he's just an @sshole, taking out his own ego-problems on others via the relative safety of the internet. He likes to hurt... and he does so.
I'm going on a gut feeling that while it's possible to let much roll off our backs...some attempts to hurt are very strong and hard to avoid.
You can bet he doesn't pull the kind of shit he pulled on me, and on others online, on the Texas group members he meets with in 3D.
So, even if he ultimately turned out to be right...I'll NEVER forgive him and his 'Cull out the weak by showing no mercy for those we disagree with' Lame-@ss theory.
Utter, utter @sshole.
Now one member of that Texas group who I know is friends with the @sshole has joined another list that deals with arcane spiritual matters that I've been on already for a couple of years. And when I noticed that today, I actually had a momentary impulse to just leave the list. I so rarely post...but I imagine the other person somehow recognizing my nick there and being reminded of his own (I assume) negative memories and judgements of me (his wife, also on the Texas board hadn't thought much of my beliefs either, so he might well recall it.)
And it's like...something someone else would just shrug off happens, and I'm @#$ing Traumatized. Wanting to avoid just someone who knows someone else who stuck it to me. I've decided, I traumatize at the drop of a hat. By now, I'm running from 3/4 of what I need to deal with in my current life due to avoiding the way it makes me feel.
But I like reading the other list. You had to apply to join, not every charley could just waltze in and be on it. I was allowed on; I assume I passed muster. I did mention early on some of my admittedly still controversal spiritual beliefs, and was challenged a bit, but in no way anything contemptuous like on the Texas board - there were skeptics, yes - NOT CONTEMPTUOUS @SSHOLES. And so that was no problem.
So I guess I'll continue to Lurk, and put up with being REMINDED every time I see the nick of the other guy from the Texas-based board of how I was treated like UTTER SHITE by his friend.
Any way you look at it, I'm still way hyper-sensitive...and I'm really starting to feel like I can't handle alot of the ordinary small shit of life.
You know what it's like, to see ordinary life kicking your @ss around while others sail right on through it?
It just makes you feel so goddamned Lucky... and Special...
It wasn't, I think, that I was scorned...as much as the way the most vocal scorner did it. It was one particular extremely contemptuous person. (Anyone who's been to that board will know to whom I'm referring. I also happen to know he inspired a particular online comic character.)
As recently as about a month ago when I went to see if there were any interesting posts...he referred in some post to my theory from way back in '01 (though not to me), lumping it along with other wacky beliefs for which he still had much contempt. Brought it all back to me.
I think...his arrogant-@ss attitude wouldn't have hurt as much if I were just trying to sound Knowledgeable and Important. Whether my belief from that time is 'true' or not...I wasn't just trying to sound Important. I meant well. Ultimately I meant well. I thought it was stuff the people on that board ought to be aware of.
That's what hurt.
But as he saw it, I was just an Idiot.
Of course, if I didn't doubt my own spiritual beliefs, and past perceptions, I probably wouldn't care, or care as much, what that guy had thought of me.
But then I also know - even if I had the absolute most stupid belief in the world - he didn't have to put it like he did.
And he didn't. He chose to pick words with the maximum chance of causing hurt.
He isn't some spiritual seeker following a 'dark path'... *rolls eyes*...
...he's just an @sshole, taking out his own ego-problems on others via the relative safety of the internet. He likes to hurt... and he does so.
I'm going on a gut feeling that while it's possible to let much roll off our backs...some attempts to hurt are very strong and hard to avoid.
You can bet he doesn't pull the kind of shit he pulled on me, and on others online, on the Texas group members he meets with in 3D.
So, even if he ultimately turned out to be right...I'll NEVER forgive him and his 'Cull out the weak by showing no mercy for those we disagree with' Lame-@ss theory.
Utter, utter @sshole.
Now one member of that Texas group who I know is friends with the @sshole has joined another list that deals with arcane spiritual matters that I've been on already for a couple of years. And when I noticed that today, I actually had a momentary impulse to just leave the list. I so rarely post...but I imagine the other person somehow recognizing my nick there and being reminded of his own (I assume) negative memories and judgements of me (his wife, also on the Texas board hadn't thought much of my beliefs either, so he might well recall it.)
And it's like...something someone else would just shrug off happens, and I'm @#$ing Traumatized. Wanting to avoid just someone who knows someone else who stuck it to me. I've decided, I traumatize at the drop of a hat. By now, I'm running from 3/4 of what I need to deal with in my current life due to avoiding the way it makes me feel.
But I like reading the other list. You had to apply to join, not every charley could just waltze in and be on it. I was allowed on; I assume I passed muster. I did mention early on some of my admittedly still controversal spiritual beliefs, and was challenged a bit, but in no way anything contemptuous like on the Texas board - there were skeptics, yes - NOT CONTEMPTUOUS @SSHOLES. And so that was no problem.
So I guess I'll continue to Lurk, and put up with being REMINDED every time I see the nick of the other guy from the Texas-based board of how I was treated like UTTER SHITE by his friend.
Any way you look at it, I'm still way hyper-sensitive...and I'm really starting to feel like I can't handle alot of the ordinary small shit of life.
You know what it's like, to see ordinary life kicking your @ss around while others sail right on through it?
It just makes you feel so goddamned Lucky... and Special...
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From:
no subject
However. Iblael has changed so much that I wouldn't even say he's based on "our friend" anymore. And we will see that 300 pound balding weakling with delusions of darkness that he uses as a smokescreen for his own hatred as Iblael's right hand man.
I wonder who HE'S based on. :)
From:
Rant.
Definitely looking forward to the rest of this new storyline...