The Past.

[kalibex]

Way back when, in 1977, I got harrassed by a clique of boys (nowadays we'd call it emotional/verbal abuse) for most of the first semester of 7th grade....just days after my best (and really only close friend) throughout all my time in grade school du mped me as not being a suitable friend now that she intended to seriously boy-chase.

Either reality alone might not have caused me so much of a problem...but both occuring around the same time was, I've come to realize since, a pretty deadly 'one-two pu nch' to my sense of self.

I think it's safe to say, I've never been the same since. Even though not a literal threat to my life, it was still devastating, in ways I didn't recognize until much later.

This isn't self-pity at the moment, btw - but a plain and simple fact. That sort of thing can forever change a person. *shrug*

It's just that I've become aware that this past event has been haunting me again, over the course of the past few years. The effects that past harrassment left in me may even be pa r tly responsible for my taking on certain spiritual beliefs over the past couple of years. Which doesn't automatically invalidate all those beliefs...but it does mean I'm aware of the probable influance that that past 'trauma' has had on me recently in a way I wasn't willing to examine before...mostly because I assumed it couldn't still be affecting me that much. Surely I was 'over' it, a quarter of a century later?

Not necessarily. Not necessarily at all.

The only other thing I'll say at this point, is that I've been cycling between self-pity and self-contempt for far too long - and my current troubles, such as my unplanned quitting of my job and subsequent problems finding a new one, are only a few of the recent symptoms of that cycle. Though it may be that this most recent downward sweep of my personal cycle was also triggered by the failure of a relationship from a couple of years back (I'd not had any true relationships until I was 34 - and then, only that one).


In the end, what it comes down to is this: It's time at long last to break the Self-Pity habit, forgive myself for having been hurtable, stop stuffing the feelings down with food - and really heal from what happened 25 years ago - while moving forward to live now.


Wish me luck.

Comments

[drake57.livejournal.com]

Luck and lots of it Bex!
I know you can do it
i know all too well how things in school can affect you years later
I think you're one of the coolest people i know
Hugs and luck