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The day that started off relatively well...turned to shit.
But not until the evening. Usually it's the other way around - I feel like shit in the a.m., then feel a bit better, especially by late afternoon, evening.
I went early evening to do schoolwork at the library. Was tired, after a pleasant few hours of malling wherein I had lunch and got a nice red velour hoodie for a mere fraction of its original price, but figured I'd do the Right Thing and stop at the library and do a couple of hour's worth. So I went, made some progress.....but then started getting real frustrated...books were missing (other students working on the same classwork, etc.); I just couldn't find the answers for the rest of the assignment (due the 30th). I was stuck.
And I stood there, knowing intellectually that I was by this time quite tired, that I ought to do the 'positive thinking' thing (be grateful for getting 1/4 the assignment done in just a couple of hours, etc.) and just go home. I knew all that stuff. And I still went into a self-hate attack. Started to cry (a very little), felt like a Freak.
And I finally made myself pack up my stuff, feeling 'beaten' by that unfinished assignment all the while, by my inadequacy, and walk downstairs, and go to the bus stop and go home.
And I felt veryvery ANGRY.
And I think that's what's 'underneath' the depression. I think it's lifted just a teenyteeny bit...enough for this to come out, like something from under a rock.
And I'm really not a happy camper.
Those of you who've felt the lash of my tongue the past couple of months or so...(you know who you are)...you do realize that even as I lashed out at you...I was even then controlling myself from doing worse...don't you?
Well it's true. Believe it or not, as you like.
Ha-ha, I guess I kinda ignored that 'H.A.L.T.*' rule...huh?
(* Don't get too: Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired)
But not until the evening. Usually it's the other way around - I feel like shit in the a.m., then feel a bit better, especially by late afternoon, evening.
I went early evening to do schoolwork at the library. Was tired, after a pleasant few hours of malling wherein I had lunch and got a nice red velour hoodie for a mere fraction of its original price, but figured I'd do the Right Thing and stop at the library and do a couple of hour's worth. So I went, made some progress.....but then started getting real frustrated...books were missing (other students working on the same classwork, etc.); I just couldn't find the answers for the rest of the assignment (due the 30th). I was stuck.
And I stood there, knowing intellectually that I was by this time quite tired, that I ought to do the 'positive thinking' thing (be grateful for getting 1/4 the assignment done in just a couple of hours, etc.) and just go home. I knew all that stuff. And I still went into a self-hate attack. Started to cry (a very little), felt like a Freak.
And I finally made myself pack up my stuff, feeling 'beaten' by that unfinished assignment all the while, by my inadequacy, and walk downstairs, and go to the bus stop and go home.
And I felt veryvery ANGRY.
And I think that's what's 'underneath' the depression. I think it's lifted just a teenyteeny bit...enough for this to come out, like something from under a rock.
And I'm really not a happy camper.
Those of you who've felt the lash of my tongue the past couple of months or so...(you know who you are)...you do realize that even as I lashed out at you...I was even then controlling myself from doing worse...don't you?
Well it's true. Believe it or not, as you like.
Ha-ha, I guess I kinda ignored that 'H.A.L.T.*' rule...huh?
(* Don't get too: Hungry/Angry/Lonely/Tired)
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From:
no subject
From:
Many many *snugs* to you
*hugs* and *warm fuzzies* headed your way!
:)
~Becky
From:
no subject
From:
sorry for your troubles...
Some of the apparent discord may be due to a Scorpio Temperment - not at all your fault.
I knew a lady in h.s. who was taking a tongue-lashing from a female French teacher in the hall one day.She looked desperately ashamed and yet defiant. She was a Scorpio too. Later , when I asked her about it , she told me that she had got caught giving the teacher The Finger ... she wasn't ready to laugh about it , but the embarassment soon passed.
-Mark