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Finding myself in a scientific institute, similar but not exactly the same as the very 1st one I worked in, back when I got my 1st job out of undergrad. Seemed to be working for someone like that departed 'crazy' boss from my current library career, though. At least, 'felt' like her, at least the aura of at-the-moment-leashed type A impatience. Someone who had to be kept mollified, as I saw it.
A probe from what looked to me like a pH meter had gone defective (discovered while trying to make some solutions / buffer, IIRC), so I went to find out how to order a new one. But this was a new job and/or a new workplace, so I wasn't actually familiar with the place or else didn't recall after being away so long. Went walking around, trying to find out how the ordering system worked (it had gone all online and centralized, hadn't it?). On the way, in a hallway, encountered a young woman who paused to sneer and jeer at me, Mean Girls style. Sort of in a "Oh, you're back. You were a clumsy Loser then, and you still are now." kind of way. There might have been a second woman who also came up behind us, who agreed with her friend's attitude before they both walked away; not as clear.
As I've always done, while I didn't react outwardly, I had my usual "Why does this keep happening to me? What'd I do to deserve this? WHY?!" internal reaction. Carried on regardless, but with that familiar pocket of festering self-pity.
Came across what looked to me like a little conceirge desk type of thing where I inquired about Purchasing. The young woman there pointed me in the right direction when I asked her if we needed a unique number or login for each of us who ordered (so the admin knew who it was), etc.
Also went down another hall, peeking into various rooms and areas, trying to re-familiarize myself with the layout (got the impression that I'd worked here before; it'd just changed in the years since - not uncommon, with institutions renovating occasionally as space needs change). Stepped into what I'd thought used to be a little library room; had people lounging around in it (medical Residents, I assumed). Looked around, bemused, for the missing CPUs & monitors at what looked at first glance to be computer stations. One of the Residents noticed my confusion, and amusedly teased a bit. Not mean in the same way as the Mean Girls had been, though. More in a "You were expecting something else, maybe?" kind of way.
Went wandering downstairs to the lower level, still looking for Purchasing. Was noticed by one man in his office who also came off a bit amused or bemused by my explorations (but again not in a Mean way). He was in the middle of giving me some information when the alarm woke me up.
EE meditation was done. The bioenergetic breathing part of the evening meditations's definitely stirring up the Silt.
No biphasic sleep, though woke a half-hour early.
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Bottom line, is that still my main Insecurity, being rejected by other people? That I care too much what other people think of me? But we're 'social animals, aren't we? Isn't being Rejected by the group our worst nightmare?! (I say this fully acknowedging that I've never been across the board 'rejected' by EVERYBODY, either in dreams like this or in Real Life(tm).)
Keep in mind, jeering such as featured in this dream isn't just a "Stay away from me" response; it's deliberate provocation/abuse. It's a deliberately inflicted injury, not just aversion. So perhaps my 'worst nightmare' remains the mere possibility of being somehow perenially 'abuseable' in that way. Of giving off 'abuse me' vibes to the nasty types.
Still, doesn't take much to trigger me...just the perception of being left out has done it, some days.
A probe from what looked to me like a pH meter had gone defective (discovered while trying to make some solutions / buffer, IIRC), so I went to find out how to order a new one. But this was a new job and/or a new workplace, so I wasn't actually familiar with the place or else didn't recall after being away so long. Went walking around, trying to find out how the ordering system worked (it had gone all online and centralized, hadn't it?). On the way, in a hallway, encountered a young woman who paused to sneer and jeer at me, Mean Girls style. Sort of in a "Oh, you're back. You were a clumsy Loser then, and you still are now." kind of way. There might have been a second woman who also came up behind us, who agreed with her friend's attitude before they both walked away; not as clear.
As I've always done, while I didn't react outwardly, I had my usual "Why does this keep happening to me? What'd I do to deserve this? WHY?!" internal reaction. Carried on regardless, but with that familiar pocket of festering self-pity.
Came across what looked to me like a little conceirge desk type of thing where I inquired about Purchasing. The young woman there pointed me in the right direction when I asked her if we needed a unique number or login for each of us who ordered (so the admin knew who it was), etc.
Also went down another hall, peeking into various rooms and areas, trying to re-familiarize myself with the layout (got the impression that I'd worked here before; it'd just changed in the years since - not uncommon, with institutions renovating occasionally as space needs change). Stepped into what I'd thought used to be a little library room; had people lounging around in it (medical Residents, I assumed). Looked around, bemused, for the missing CPUs & monitors at what looked at first glance to be computer stations. One of the Residents noticed my confusion, and amusedly teased a bit. Not mean in the same way as the Mean Girls had been, though. More in a "You were expecting something else, maybe?" kind of way.
Went wandering downstairs to the lower level, still looking for Purchasing. Was noticed by one man in his office who also came off a bit amused or bemused by my explorations (but again not in a Mean way). He was in the middle of giving me some information when the alarm woke me up.
EE meditation was done. The bioenergetic breathing part of the evening meditations's definitely stirring up the Silt.
No biphasic sleep, though woke a half-hour early.
-------------
Bottom line, is that still my main Insecurity, being rejected by other people? That I care too much what other people think of me? But we're 'social animals, aren't we? Isn't being Rejected by the group our worst nightmare?! (I say this fully acknowedging that I've never been across the board 'rejected' by EVERYBODY, either in dreams like this or in Real Life(tm).)
Keep in mind, jeering such as featured in this dream isn't just a "Stay away from me" response; it's deliberate provocation/abuse. It's a deliberately inflicted injury, not just aversion. So perhaps my 'worst nightmare' remains the mere possibility of being somehow perenially 'abuseable' in that way. Of giving off 'abuse me' vibes to the nasty types.
Still, doesn't take much to trigger me...just the perception of being left out has done it, some days.