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Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
-Lundy Bancroft
Having come (I think) perilously close to getting caught up more than peripherally in an abusive relationship about 4 years back, I already knew about some of what Bancroft (who has worked in counciling programs designed specifically for abusive men) writes of. But I found this excellent book very useful in confirming and explaining a lot of things...so that I'll be able to pursue future relationships with enough confidence that I can notice warning signs of controlling personalities early on.
As for the rest...it's about having enough self-respect to know that you deserve better than to tolerate certain behaviors from others...and trusting your own perceptions.
---begin book excerpt---
"We arrive now at two of the most important concepts regarding abusive men. First:
"AN ABUSER IS A HUMAN BEING, NOT AN EVIL MONSTER. BUT HE HAS A PROFOUNDLY COMPLEX AND DESTRUCTIVE PROBLEM THAT SHOULD NOT BE UNDERESTIMATED.
"The common view of abusive men as evil, calculating brutes can make it difficult for a woman to recognize her partner's problem. She tends to think: My partner really cares about me and has a good side to him. He has feelings; he's not a sadist. He couldn't be an abuser. She doesn't realize that he can have all these positive qualities and still have an abuse problem.
"At the other end of the spectrum we find an equally common - and equally misleading - view of abusers: the abuser as a man whose gentle humanity is just barely hidden under his abusive surface and who can be transformed by love, compassion, and insight. One morning he will wake up to realize how hurtful he has been and will renounce his cruelty, particularly if he has the love of a good woman. This outlook is portrayed and supported in popular songs, movies, romantic novels, and soap operas. The painful reality is that bringing about change in abusers is difficult. An abusive man has to bury his compassion in a deep hole in order to escape the profound inherent aversion that human beings have to seeing others suffer. He has to adhere tightly to his excuses and rationalizations, develop a disturbing ability to insulate himself from the pain he is causing, and learn to enjoy power and control over his female partners. It is unrealistic to expect such a complex structure, one that takes fifteen or twenty years to form, to vanish like steam. Yet women are often pressured by friends, family, or professionals to "give him a chance to change" and "have a little faith in people".
"The second critical understanding is:
"AN ABUSER'S BEHAVIOR IS PRIMARILY CONSCIOUS - HE ACTS DELIBERATELY RATHER THAN BY ACCIDENT OR BY LOSING CONTROL OF HIMSELF - BUT THE UNDERLYING THINKING THAT DRIVES HIS BEHAVIOR IS LARGELY NOT CONSCIOUS.
"An abuser learns manipulative and controlling behavior from several sources, including key male role models, peers, and pervasive cultural messages (see Chapter 13). By the time he reaches adulthood, he has integrated manipulative behavior to such a deep level that he acts largely on automatic."
---end book excerpt---
-from: Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by: Lundy Bancroft
-Lundy Bancroft
Having come (I think) perilously close to getting caught up more than peripherally in an abusive relationship about 4 years back, I already knew about some of what Bancroft (who has worked in counciling programs designed specifically for abusive men) writes of. But I found this excellent book very useful in confirming and explaining a lot of things...so that I'll be able to pursue future relationships with enough confidence that I can notice warning signs of controlling personalities early on.
As for the rest...it's about having enough self-respect to know that you deserve better than to tolerate certain behaviors from others...and trusting your own perceptions.
---begin book excerpt---
"We arrive now at two of the most important concepts regarding abusive men. First:
"AN ABUSER IS A HUMAN BEING, NOT AN EVIL MONSTER. BUT HE HAS A PROFOUNDLY COMPLEX AND DESTRUCTIVE PROBLEM THAT SHOULD NOT BE UNDERESTIMATED.
"The common view of abusive men as evil, calculating brutes can make it difficult for a woman to recognize her partner's problem. She tends to think: My partner really cares about me and has a good side to him. He has feelings; he's not a sadist. He couldn't be an abuser. She doesn't realize that he can have all these positive qualities and still have an abuse problem.
"At the other end of the spectrum we find an equally common - and equally misleading - view of abusers: the abuser as a man whose gentle humanity is just barely hidden under his abusive surface and who can be transformed by love, compassion, and insight. One morning he will wake up to realize how hurtful he has been and will renounce his cruelty, particularly if he has the love of a good woman. This outlook is portrayed and supported in popular songs, movies, romantic novels, and soap operas. The painful reality is that bringing about change in abusers is difficult. An abusive man has to bury his compassion in a deep hole in order to escape the profound inherent aversion that human beings have to seeing others suffer. He has to adhere tightly to his excuses and rationalizations, develop a disturbing ability to insulate himself from the pain he is causing, and learn to enjoy power and control over his female partners. It is unrealistic to expect such a complex structure, one that takes fifteen or twenty years to form, to vanish like steam. Yet women are often pressured by friends, family, or professionals to "give him a chance to change" and "have a little faith in people".
"The second critical understanding is:
"AN ABUSER'S BEHAVIOR IS PRIMARILY CONSCIOUS - HE ACTS DELIBERATELY RATHER THAN BY ACCIDENT OR BY LOSING CONTROL OF HIMSELF - BUT THE UNDERLYING THINKING THAT DRIVES HIS BEHAVIOR IS LARGELY NOT CONSCIOUS.
"An abuser learns manipulative and controlling behavior from several sources, including key male role models, peers, and pervasive cultural messages (see Chapter 13). By the time he reaches adulthood, he has integrated manipulative behavior to such a deep level that he acts largely on automatic."
---end book excerpt---
-from: Why Does he Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men
by: Lundy Bancroft